Right of this moment, I'm still thinking should I right about this?

Should I?

oh hey, I just did.  

To just be.These 3 oftentimes are the virtues we tend to lose as we grow up.  Years and years of education and strings of accomplishment diminishes our sense of humility.  Our abilities and opportunities makes us independent and our failures and heartaches prevents us to trust.  Yet these it seems are the fountain of youth.  You want to be forever young, then you gotta have these.  

Indeed I am old.  I look at this words on the negative.  I see them as weaknesses.  I keep myself in check if I'm exemplifying a substantial amount of this traits.  I feel that humility stagnates.  If you don't raise yourself up, you are short changing yourself.  We live in a century wherein you have to always put your best self forward to succeed.  You have to hard sell yourself, over emphasize your achievements, your qualities.  Feel important to be important.  No wonder social media is raising kids right now who are all about themselves.  It's the ME generation and personally I don't fancy this generation.  I don't understand them and I see them as selfish and whiny.  I have to try to adjust to them though because in fact they are who I work for.  

Dependence.  This I am.  At this age I still live with the 'rents.  Maybe not entirely because I am enjoying the free ride, but I will not deny that it's extremely comfy to be just a parasite.  Haha.  It took a long time before I voluntarily shouldered some of the household expenses, I was selfish for some time.  But I believe culture has a lot to do with this.  Sometime ago when my siblings and I were young, I overheard my mom saying she wish we get to stay with them forever.  I think she was worrying about the probable occurrence of an empty nest and the sadness it would bring.  The universe heard her, and yes here we are all three of us (+1) still in the nest.  About 10 years ago, I could have probably left home and had been independence.  I felt I had my wings back then.  But in the Filipino culture, you only leave home when you have your own home i.e. Husband and kids.  Loosing up some family ties meant turning your back on blood.  It is just seen that way.  Hence, independence is not taken as a good thing.  I wished though I had taken that huge step.  I feel I could've have learn a lot from such experience.  In 5 years though I probably had come back home.  Because home needed me more.  Today I can't leave.  Circumstances had changed big time.  Even if a husband comes along it probably the hardest thing to do.  So husbanding had to wait. WHAT am I saying?!

Trust.  This I can do.  I have no control issues.  In fact I'm so trusting to a fault.  Before exams I tell my students I trust them even if I know I shouldn't.  I always say I'll trust my instinct, the next second I doubt my choices.  I always always pray I trust you lord, but I question my existence.  I want that freedom though... To just be.  Throw caution to the wind and hakuna matata.  

The irony is the fact that I know I'm struggling with these three virtues means that I have a lot of growing up to do.  So maybe not growing up is the right term.  I have to not grow up.  God promised that way life will be easier and heaven would be within reach. Lemme try.

This is what I really planned to post.  Not that 'sharing piece' I just posted prior.  That was random.

Anyway.  Just documenting what happened on my birthday.

You see, I made this personal tradition of going to churches I haven't been into on my birthday.  I love churches and churches are really grand and beautiful at this time, still Christmas season you know.  This year I decided to go to Blessed John Paul Parish in Eastwood.  That quaint church hidden and dwarfed by the skyscrapers of that place.  But actually it's really tiny, much like calaruega.

Here it is.  Charming eh?  And you can now get married here! It used to be a chapel but is now a parish.



Inside it's very intimate.  Simple structure, altar but a lot of airconditioners, flat screens, and the lectors place mimics an office space: desk, laptop, pen holder?! Haha

It was Monday noon so most mass goers were the elderly, and women at that, or the donyas as I fondly think of them.  The housewives with their made up hair, signature bags, and entourage.  Haha.  Actually most of them are really really simple yet exudes that regal demeanor, breeding you know.  The mass was solemn and the parish priest seems to me like vanguard.  This is a good thing right? Like the pope, I so love the pope.

And then went to get the cake. I saw Tous le jours somewhere so lemme find it.  Alas, I got lost.  Walking in circles, exploring.  Which was actually okay since I am not rushing to go anywhere anyway.  Eventually found it and took a long time just looking.  I wanted to balance pretty and yummy on my cake choice.  I had very few options though so I went with this.

Not so pretty, not so yummy either.  Oh well.  I think this cake is laced with rhum? Taste like it.  But I could have been happier with bakery yema cake.  This cake will be in the fridge for weeks I'm guessing.  The tower of ube and leche flan on the fridge would not help its popularity as a dessert of choice either.

To my horror, the shop don't take credit card payments.  So there goes the only cash I had.  Have to find a place to eat that takes plastic payments then.  But it is my birthday so I have to eat at wherever I like.  I wanted to go buffet but I'm alone and it'd be a bummer to pay for that when I could've eaten for free if I have someone with me.  ( Woot, woot, insert lonely singlehood feels here...haha)

I wanted shake and sukiyaki so I'm having it! So my boy, teriyaki boy is my date.  And then there I felt the Happy birthday vibe.  They have the old menu! I can have my usuals! (not on new menu).  So I had shake, sukiyaki don and philly sushi.  Yey!  Happy and stuffed.

This is better than any cupcake.

And then went home and slept.  Haha.  Come evening I had to tell people to order stuff for the family celeb and yet confusion led to more confusion.  So I had cake and nothing else.  Lols.  Actually they bought dinner and the customary noodles for long life though late was present.

Great Birthday.  Not grand but just as I like it.  None to fuss about too much since its not a milestone, in terms of numbers.  I got much, much love too from family, friends, and acquaintances.  All is well. Damn, most of my well wishers wished for a future love.  Can't, won't go there.  Get out of my head people!  Hahaha. I feel loved and blessed.  That's all I need right?  Right.

Today I went to school not to teach Math but to teach about life.  It was for my students but then I took something from it too...

What kind of teacher am I.  People had wondered too and chimed in their presumptions.  Most of the time I understand where they get such ideas because they describe me as a person.  Am I different as a teacher?  I'd say sometimes I even surprise myself about me.  Yes I am nice, but not all the damn time.  Lately I'm being the bad person a lot even.  I've been and felt so many things as a teacher that up until now I can't define my teaching style.  I get inspiration heavily from my former teachers and past experiences as a student.  In fact, even if rules are different from where I studied and where I teach I tend to bring in past culture to present.  Example:
     No grey area in terms of grades here?  No problem I'll work around that, make my own grade rules, interpret policies on my own understanding, do something extra then get in trouble (not!)

Yes grades. Is what this post is all about.

Come grading time, teachers has the most power and could definitely play God.  I don't believe that the statement "you make your grades, we only encode them" is true to itself.  There is always always teacher factor thrown in there.  After all teaching I think is a profession of compassion too.  When you're students are failing even when they deserve it, you still think of them as your kids, your brother, your friend, your padawan.  And you adjust.  I do a lot of this.  Sometimes I feel I'm giving too much.  Good thing I've failed so many times in the past that I know that the bad, wth-did-i-do feeling passes and on it's heels is a good life lesson to be learned.  So I know that I don't have to pass them.  They have to fail and learn the lessons of failure which I think they need more to course through life rather than those math formulas.

I fail some.  I've failed more than what I wanted, but I have to.  But those in the 72-73-74 zone gets me. (75 is passing)  Even if I gave +10% already and really their actual grades are in the 60s and that definitely deserves failure...but still.  I don't like moments defined as "cutting it too close".  And so I create a grey area.  I give out second or final chances as if I have to.  (This right here is the part where I hear friends saying, "this is so you")  And to my amazement I get surprising reactions from this exercise.  Mostly good but some bad, so bad I am so struck with regret from bad judgement.

They take the second chance yes, but they don't appreciate it.  I push them until they succeed.  I create opportunities for them to be better.  I text them, remind them to study, what to study, how to study.  When they are stuck I make adjustments, let them open their books for 5 minutes, gives clues, discuss stuff that might enlighten them and the sorts.  Yes, I know this is too much.  I do this because I want them to earn that 3% and feel that they can do it.  They don't have to settle in to failure, the finish line to success is a possibility.  I give optimism even if I don't have much of it.  But then...

They don't usually do their part.  Yes they are appreciative but they don't do what is being asked of them.  Some see it as just some 'whatever' they just have to show up to and that they'll pass anyway.  I make it clear though that it is definitely not that.  And then they give up. They wish they had just failed right away rather than going through it.  WHAT? And once a student opted for failure to be able to proceed with registration and be in other classes with friends rather than sacrificing that for a chance to pass and be on term albeit messy schedule.  What kind of decision making is this?!  Regrets... the others I had failed deserved that second chance more than this person. Sad.

And then there were the trouble makers.  Kids confused with having fun and being responsible.  Not regretting the fun they chose but hoping they could have been responsible with their studies too.  Those who knows the repercussions of failure and try to charm their way on you.  This guys you have to push.  Push them hard, challenge them, encourage them and put them to work.  Even if you know they are trying to work their way through it dishonestly, let them do whatever it takes.  At the end of all this torture, they would at one point impress you.  And you think to yourself, I knew there was something in this kid and you give them the nod of approval.  And then they're ecstatic.  And you share that feeling.  Because you are happy for them and happy for yourself because your judgement was right.  These are awesome teachable moments.  The moments where you know they've learned more from life other than the skills.  And these moments they bring with them.  That they can do it, even when they're almost failures they can be winners.  And then they say thank you.  And you know it's not just about the passing grade you'll give but also gratitude for the chance. Great, great feeling.

Then the unappreciative ones.  They'll learn life lessons too.  I wish sometime in their future they get tortured by thought that they could have done better and realize the stupidity of their decisions. 

...how about love? Ha!

So here I am, another cake, another candle to blow.  Another day for which I have license to be selfish and just think me, me, me.  Another time to celebrate my existence in this great big world.  Not yet at this hour though.  I was not yet out of the womb by this time.  My mom might have been in labor at this godly hour though since I am out at around past 4 in the freaking morning.  Imagine that?  Thinking about it now... I am the first child, my mom was 24, she might have been hella scared of what's happening and at this hour?  Gosh what an experience I was.  Oh I forgot to mention, I was born caesarian.  Yep as if I could not add more horror to the experience. Ha!  With all that, first and foremost I want to honor my mom for having me, carrying me for 9mos, trying to push me out of that... and then going under the knife to get me out and bear a hideous scar to be reminded everyday.  And then years after she had to raise me, and after so and so decades she still does take care of me.  I don't need to be a mom to realize and appreciate how much she gave for me.  I know that in my heart everyday.  So my birthday is a celebration of her courage.  I bet she was happy to have me so I hope I could still be a source of her happiness in some ways...

So, how do I feel?  Like right now?

Hmmm... I actually can't describe.  Is this happy, lonely, scared, excited, pessimistic, optimistic, emotional?  It's very vague and at the same time a mix of so many things. Age wise, in my whole life time I remember thinking why is it taking long for me to grow up?  Grown up for me then was 18.  I wanted to be 18 because I attach to that a certain degree of freedom and maturity.  Then I was scared of being 20 since it would mean I have no excuse to be stupid teen anymore.  And then 20 just flew by.  I wanted to follow my mom's timeline.  Get married at 24, BUT have a child at 28.  I had plans and crazy dreams that I felt I have control of.  Just like what many young people think.  Yeah well I know I'm grown up because now I think my plans then were bordering stupid and unrealistic.  I didn't even have a boyfriend then, duh!  Next decade was scary.  Although I prepared myself well.  Acceptance is the key, denial too for then after I cheated all the time when asked about my age.  I stopped aging at 28.  So this is my nth 28th birthday.  Haha. The number this year I take with a grain of salt and ounce of optimism.  I will postpone being sad and lonely for when I cross to the 2nd half of the decade.  So yeah, age is just a number again this year.  I hope I could still pass as 28 in terms of looks.  Must work on that.  And then I have to prep myself for the years coming.

I don't know what to expect at this age.  Marriage and children are not control variables.  Independence is tempting but not timely.  Actually I've been wishing for forced independence for quite sometime.  It's not coming so maybe it's not fated to happen.  What can I control then?  Stability I guess.  My finances are still a mess though I have a plan about that already.  So I wish for more opportunities so I can work on that.  I wish for health too.  Man, this year is the sickliest I've been.  I had been constantly reminded that the body is aging.  I'm starting to appreciate meds now, when before I can soldier up to any pain.  I value rest and sleep too. I do not know if I want to wish love too.  I am in love with the idea right about now but I still am not wearing those rose colored glasses.  My perception is clear and realistic.  If love is in store, I just wish it to be what I've always wish for.  No settling, high standards or nothing.  I think I deserve that if I was made to wait this long.  Haha.  But if it's not in the almighty's plan then may I find an outlet to this all mushy mushy feeling I get from watching too much tv/movies and listening to cheesy song lyrics and reading about too good to be true love stories.  As what the biebs said in the song, I just need somebody to love.  Person or not.

Last but not the least, I just want to be awesome.  To have an impact.  To make a difference.  To be a blessing.  They say only young people think they can change the world.  I still think that, so I guess I am still young.  Much as I love numbers, I stopped thinking of age as that.  But really, how do we measure a year in a life? Measure in love?

aww, thanks google for remembering.

So what's with that very enthusiastic title?

I have a strange perception that my best years are all 'even years' (ends in even numbers, you know...well of course you do..) Anyway.  So with that, I don't expect much from 'odd years'. I don't dread them but my game plan usually is to just course through it, wish for the best and hope to make it through the worst.  So far it works that way.  I don't have 'bad years' (maybe optimism has to do with that too). I have 'ok years'.

It scares me though to expect that this would be a great year (uh-oh pessimism).  It all depends on perspective.  I have not much to boast about 2012, but as a person I felt really good about myself and my decisions. That's why I look forward to 2014 because no matter what, I think I'd be optimistic all the way.

In terms of plans, ironically I have no grand plans.  2014 would be my 'do year'.  It will be a prep year for what I wish would happen in 2015 (an odd year!) Not to be vague about that, I'm really really looking forward to finish my masters by 2015 just because 2014 aint realistic sadly.  So 2014 has to be a whatever-it-takes year. So although I'm expecting a grand thing on 2015 (pray, pray it happens), much of the journey to that would be on 2014.  Yet, who knows 2014 might have something grand-er in store for me.  Wish for the best!

I was getting ahead of myself there.  What happened on 2013 by the way?

Basically I was afloat beginning of the year.  I was full time in grad school so that took most of my time.  I worked part time, which helped with the finances.  I had practicum during summer and went to a lot of interviews, demos and exams.  Things did not go as planned on my supposed career shift for reasons still not clear to me.  And since my heart was not into it, I wasn't bothered.  I got teaching jobs come May in 2 universities very different and very far away from each other.  So the rest of the year I was adjusting to my new jobs, schedules and still... grad school.  I failed on the grad school part, what a shame.  Earned an inc on my final subject which I am completing now.  Anyways, I feel I rocked the 'professor' role though technically I am not a professor just a lecturer for now.  Still adjusting but it feels I'm getting the hang of it.  But because of the major shift in basic ed, I have to make plans for 2016 again.  Which I feel is too far away so I'm not going to worry about that just yet.  I still am on the core group of the alumni thingy and we had huge plans set for next year, so that took some of my time too.  And lastly, I fell... not in love because I know definitely now that it was not love, what it was I don't know.  Maybe just a huge inappropriate kind of crush.  It's embarrassing to think about it, but the fact that for the 4 months my emotions were in limbo I have to give credit to it.  It was hella fun, amazing and scary.  But it was nothing, it was a lesson and merely a test of character.  So I veered away from love entirely.  Until this December, when I was and still is in love with the idea of love. *insert horrified face here*  First there were new songs I really really liked, with lyrics that are cheesy as cheese.  Then there was my grey's anatomy marathons that led to insane fangirling.  I could and would probably blog about that so I'll drop the topic here and now, lest I get carried away.  So there goes my year.  Seems not boring at all, while the whole time it felt bland to me.  Well, perspective.

Beside the thesis thingy.  I literally have no set plans.  Not even for my birthday which I fuss about every year.  I always have the desire to travel but no clear concrete plans where, when and with who.  I plan to go to Japan on 2015 though.  In terms of love life, I have none.  So no plans to get married, have a baby and all those big stuff.  No change of career plan just yet.  No change of residences or big purchases yet, I still can't afford it.  So none.  Exciting isn't it?  Haha.  Because although I have no grand plans, there is this feeling that something is coming up.  Just a feeeeeelling.

Whew!  Finally done with this year end post.  Feels good to assess my life, put it in writing and review it.  Hmm quite lengthy so I'm happy.  It means I lived significantly.  Yey!  Here's to living more in 2014. Hopefully it would not take me a year to blog again.  Let the good, the bad and the crazy come.  That way I would feel the need to blabber and pretend my thoughts/problems/experiences and life in general is bigger than it actually is that I need to share it to the world (wide web).  Haha

If you read this, I send you good tidings and cheer too.  And a hope of an awesome 2014.

While this typhoon Maring wreaks havoc everywhere... I decided to revisit blogs and make a post... hahaha.

Just updating from when I last posted (Jan, 2013?!)

- Quit 1st tertiary teaching job due to horrible management. (They still owe me a month's salary! Yeah, that bad)

- Now teaching at not 1 but 2 UAAP schools 23km away from each other.  It takes me around 2 hours to commute here-and-to and that includes a speedy train ride pa.  Both schools are extremely different but there is always something likable about my classes.  Minus the commute in between I'm actually happy about this set-up.  This might change in the near future though coz I know at one point I'll need to make a choice.

- I'm exploring the techie side of teaching.. and I'm failing! Must read and research on a lot of stuff if I want to ride this tide. I have to somehow connect this techie engg background to something.

- And last but not the least... I'm miserably failing research.  Although I have the interest, I am so discouraged to think I'll make it through.  First, I have way too many "interests".  Second, I do not understand why I suddenly detest writing.  Third, I haven't recovered from this "cramming" disease ergo I cannot organize!  But finish this degree I must!  If I want to be higher education I must have higher education...and not to forget; I want a higher salary.:)