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how do we measure a year in a life?
...how about love? Ha!
So here I am, another cake, another candle to blow. Another day for which I have license to be selfish and just think me, me, me. Another time to celebrate my existence in this great big world. Not yet at this hour though. I was not yet out of the womb by this time. My mom might have been in labor at this godly hour though since I am out at around past 4 in the freaking morning. Imagine that? Thinking about it now... I am the first child, my mom was 24, she might have been hella scared of what's happening and at this hour? Gosh what an experience I was. Oh I forgot to mention, I was born caesarian. Yep as if I could not add more horror to the experience. Ha! With all that, first and foremost I want to honor my mom for having me, carrying me for 9mos, trying to push me out of that... and then going under the knife to get me out and bear a hideous scar to be reminded everyday. And then years after she had to raise me, and after so and so decades she still does take care of me. I don't need to be a mom to realize and appreciate how much she gave for me. I know that in my heart everyday. So my birthday is a celebration of her courage. I bet she was happy to have me so I hope I could still be a source of her happiness in some ways...
So, how do I feel? Like right now?
Hmmm... I actually can't describe. Is this happy, lonely, scared, excited, pessimistic, optimistic, emotional? It's very vague and at the same time a mix of so many things. Age wise, in my whole life time I remember thinking why is it taking long for me to grow up? Grown up for me then was 18. I wanted to be 18 because I attach to that a certain degree of freedom and maturity. Then I was scared of being 20 since it would mean I have no excuse to be stupid teen anymore. And then 20 just flew by. I wanted to follow my mom's timeline. Get married at 24, BUT have a child at 28. I had plans and crazy dreams that I felt I have control of. Just like what many young people think. Yeah well I know I'm grown up because now I think my plans then were bordering stupid and unrealistic. I didn't even have a boyfriend then, duh! Next decade was scary. Although I prepared myself well. Acceptance is the key, denial too for then after I cheated all the time when asked about my age. I stopped aging at 28. So this is my nth 28th birthday. Haha. The number this year I take with a grain of salt and ounce of optimism. I will postpone being sad and lonely for when I cross to the 2nd half of the decade. So yeah, age is just a number again this year. I hope I could still pass as 28 in terms of looks. Must work on that. And then I have to prep myself for the years coming.
I don't know what to expect at this age. Marriage and children are not control variables. Independence is tempting but not timely. Actually I've been wishing for forced independence for quite sometime. It's not coming so maybe it's not fated to happen. What can I control then? Stability I guess. My finances are still a mess though I have a plan about that already. So I wish for more opportunities so I can work on that. I wish for health too. Man, this year is the sickliest I've been. I had been constantly reminded that the body is aging. I'm starting to appreciate meds now, when before I can soldier up to any pain. I value rest and sleep too. I do not know if I want to wish love too. I am in love with the idea right about now but I still am not wearing those rose colored glasses. My perception is clear and realistic. If love is in store, I just wish it to be what I've always wish for. No settling, high standards or nothing. I think I deserve that if I was made to wait this long. Haha. But if it's not in the almighty's plan then may I find an outlet to this all mushy mushy feeling I get from watching too much tv/movies and listening to cheesy song lyrics and reading about too good to be true love stories. As what the biebs said in the song, I just need somebody to love. Person or not.
Last but not the least, I just want to be awesome. To have an impact. To make a difference. To be a blessing. They say only young people think they can change the world. I still think that, so I guess I am still young. Much as I love numbers, I stopped thinking of age as that. But really, how do we measure a year in a life? Measure in love?
aww, thanks google for remembering.
So here I am, another cake, another candle to blow. Another day for which I have license to be selfish and just think me, me, me. Another time to celebrate my existence in this great big world. Not yet at this hour though. I was not yet out of the womb by this time. My mom might have been in labor at this godly hour though since I am out at around past 4 in the freaking morning. Imagine that? Thinking about it now... I am the first child, my mom was 24, she might have been hella scared of what's happening and at this hour? Gosh what an experience I was. Oh I forgot to mention, I was born caesarian. Yep as if I could not add more horror to the experience. Ha! With all that, first and foremost I want to honor my mom for having me, carrying me for 9mos, trying to push me out of that... and then going under the knife to get me out and bear a hideous scar to be reminded everyday. And then years after she had to raise me, and after so and so decades she still does take care of me. I don't need to be a mom to realize and appreciate how much she gave for me. I know that in my heart everyday. So my birthday is a celebration of her courage. I bet she was happy to have me so I hope I could still be a source of her happiness in some ways...
So, how do I feel? Like right now?
Hmmm... I actually can't describe. Is this happy, lonely, scared, excited, pessimistic, optimistic, emotional? It's very vague and at the same time a mix of so many things. Age wise, in my whole life time I remember thinking why is it taking long for me to grow up? Grown up for me then was 18. I wanted to be 18 because I attach to that a certain degree of freedom and maturity. Then I was scared of being 20 since it would mean I have no excuse to be stupid teen anymore. And then 20 just flew by. I wanted to follow my mom's timeline. Get married at 24, BUT have a child at 28. I had plans and crazy dreams that I felt I have control of. Just like what many young people think. Yeah well I know I'm grown up because now I think my plans then were bordering stupid and unrealistic. I didn't even have a boyfriend then, duh! Next decade was scary. Although I prepared myself well. Acceptance is the key, denial too for then after I cheated all the time when asked about my age. I stopped aging at 28. So this is my nth 28th birthday. Haha. The number this year I take with a grain of salt and ounce of optimism. I will postpone being sad and lonely for when I cross to the 2nd half of the decade. So yeah, age is just a number again this year. I hope I could still pass as 28 in terms of looks. Must work on that. And then I have to prep myself for the years coming.
I don't know what to expect at this age. Marriage and children are not control variables. Independence is tempting but not timely. Actually I've been wishing for forced independence for quite sometime. It's not coming so maybe it's not fated to happen. What can I control then? Stability I guess. My finances are still a mess though I have a plan about that already. So I wish for more opportunities so I can work on that. I wish for health too. Man, this year is the sickliest I've been. I had been constantly reminded that the body is aging. I'm starting to appreciate meds now, when before I can soldier up to any pain. I value rest and sleep too. I do not know if I want to wish love too. I am in love with the idea right about now but I still am not wearing those rose colored glasses. My perception is clear and realistic. If love is in store, I just wish it to be what I've always wish for. No settling, high standards or nothing. I think I deserve that if I was made to wait this long. Haha. But if it's not in the almighty's plan then may I find an outlet to this all mushy mushy feeling I get from watching too much tv/movies and listening to cheesy song lyrics and reading about too good to be true love stories. As what the biebs said in the song, I just need somebody to love. Person or not.
Last but not the least, I just want to be awesome. To have an impact. To make a difference. To be a blessing. They say only young people think they can change the world. I still think that, so I guess I am still young. Much as I love numbers, I stopped thinking of age as that. But really, how do we measure a year in a life? Measure in love?
aww, thanks google for remembering.
